Portal 2 Review ⁄ Quest to Zero

Five words put me off playing the original Portal for such a long time. Five words which became the catchphrase for the awfully twee and cringeworthy end of the internet. Five words which gave me second-hand embarrassment every time I read or heard them. These five words were, of course: The. Cake. Is. A. Lie.

It turns out that Portal was actually brilliant, and I am an idiot for ever avoiding it. The original Portal was released way back in 2007, and I did not give it a chance until well into 2017. Now, having had an overwhelmingly good time with the original, I couldn’t wait another 10 years again to play Portal 2, right?

Good god, no, of course, I only waited 6 years this time! A vast improvement if I do say so myself.

To be fair though, the game had sat staring at me for over a decade from originally buying it, installed but unplayed, forced into, I guess, a state of stasis… which, strangely enough, leads us neatly into how Portal 2 begins.

Portal 2 puts you back in the shoes of our mute heroine, Chell. Playing through the early test chambers with your trusty portal gun, alongside an absolutely top-form Stephen Merchant in the guise of Wheatley, brings back great memories of the original game. This, for me, is where Portal 2 really shines; I absolutely adored every single minute of these first few hours.

The puzzles later on become quite tricky, but never mind-bendingly so, like some games I’m much too stupid for (looking at you, The Witness).

Then comes Chapter 6. I wouldn’t say the game opens up, but it strays from the small, tight test chambers into larger, more sprawling areas. This is where the humour fades, the visuals become a bit muddier almost, and while still enjoyable, it doesn’t quite maintain the charm of its opening chapters.

We’re introduced to Cave Johnson, a pre-recorded voice that oversees the ancient 1950s-ish test chambers. While sometimes humorous, his voiceovers are mostly brash and irritating. The areas are bland and brown, too muddy to sometimes find where to go next. I also found the addition of the speedy, jumpy, and “portally” liquids more of an irritation than an enjoyable addition.

The puzzles later on become quite tricky, but never mind-bendingly so, like some games I’m much too stupid for (looking at you, The Witness). Once we get back to the Wheatley and GLaDOS showdown and the tighter test chambers again, the game returns to the joys of its opening hours, even if there are a few open areas that serve only to slow down the pace more than anything.

All in all, I mostly feed bad that I have sat on Portal 2 for this long, especially since literally everyone I know has already played the co-op mode without me!